Thank you guys so much for all your sweet words about our little Hendrix, it really does mean a lot to me. Even though it’s been a year and I still miss him immensely, I know that we gave him a great home for the time he was here. And I know I’ll see him again some day, because all dogs go to heaven, duh.
Also I think you’ve all given me quite a lot of backing for when I ask/tell Brandon we’re going to add to our canine family. Bravo to you all.
Now to take a dramatic turn in topics, I wanted to blog about something that’s been really bothering me lately. I’m sure some of you are well aware of this fact, but for those of you who aren’t, you should know that I am sensitive. Not like, I need 234 SPF to go in the sun (which I do), or have to wear 24k gold so my skin doesn’t fall off (but that’s also true), but like, cry in fetal position under my bed for 3 hours if you say something mean about me sensitive. I try really hard to come across confident and sure of myself, and sometimes I actually am…. But then the 8 year old bullied, chubby, taller than all the boys in her class, bookworm Jess starts to whisper in my ear, and I’m a shattered mess of insecurity.
When someone doesn’t like me it cripples me. Why? What did I do? What could I have done differently? Is it how I look? Is it they way I talk? I don’t know why it bothers me so much, but it just does. It’s the same as the anxiety I’ve dealt with for most of my life. People say “just stop worrying!” or “just say who cares!”, but the truth is, you just can’t. Maybe it’s because of the way my brother treated me when I was younger. Maybe it’s when I changed schools in 6th grade, and was picked on until I went home crying every day for months. Both eventually got better, and I hope someday this will too. But in the meantime, I am so envious of people who can let things roll off their backs and keep their head up without a flinch. How they do it is a mystery to me, and sometimes I wonder if they’re just really good at hiding it. Because even in my 4″ heels, I think I’ll always walk a little smaller.
As I had these thoughts running through my mind last night, I turned to something that always helps when I’m feeling frustrated. It reminds me of my Grandma, who was one of the most fiercely strong and I-am-who-I-am women I’ve ever known, and it spoke to me. Like, really spoke to me. I realized that a lot of it is just about control, and sometimes you just have to accept things as they are: “Accepting hardships as the path to peace.” It suddenly made things a little easier to swallow when I looked at it in that light.
I’m pretty confident in the fact that this will always be a crack in my armor of glass. I know that it’s just part of who I am, and maybe it’s part of what makes me a good friend. But I hope that eventually I’ll be able to be one of those people who keeps their head up, even when people are hoping to see you fall.
July 31, 2012 at 9:56 am
First of all, I’m sorry I didn’t comment last post about Hendrix. Yesterday was the eight-year anniversary of losing our old dog and yes, we still mark it each year. It’s so hard, but we’re also so blessed to have had that time and the time we now have with our pets that are still living–I hope. I’m not home right now and who knows what Monie’s doing.
Anyway, yes to this. I put on a good act a lot of the time and for the most part, I really couldn’t care less what people say or do. But deep down? I’m like an insecure 12-year-old girl and I’m entirely too sensitive to what others might feel, say or do (especially as it relates to me.) A friend recently commented on a post of mine that external validation feels great and a million people can support you, but sharp criticism from one unknown internet denizen can still cut sharply & brutally. Word.
I know you’re talking big picture and not just online, but it fits anyway. You just have to remember who you are and that you’re fabulous. Seriously. And this is one long-ass comment that I will get thin-skinned about and regret, but whatever. Baby steps. Hang in there
July 31, 2012 at 10:04 am
“external validation feels great and a million people can support you, but sharp criticism from one unknown internet denizen can still cut sharply & brutally.”
Wow, yes, this, exactly.
I think more people will relate to this post than you may realize. A lot of the people that you think are unflinching are actually just as insecure and terrified.
I try to remind myself that it’s impossible to please and impress everyone. This helps me to find a little bit of peace in what I *am* able to do.
July 31, 2012 at 9:58 am
Hi, are we the same person? Because I think we are. I love ya girl, and anyone who doesn’t is just missing out on your awesomeness.
July 31, 2012 at 10:02 am
Wow awesome post. That is me. It’s something I consciously try to work on, but like you said it’s hard, it’s just the way I am. Even at work, I’ve had managers tell me I need to be thicker skinned and not let one person get me down. I know it’s not worth it, but I can’t help it. Thanks for sharing this. Makes me feel better knowing it’s not just me.
July 31, 2012 at 10:10 am
Just caught up on the Hendrix post and sending love your way – those losses are never easy. It’s incredibly brave of you to share your troubles, and thankfully this community is full of support.
July 31, 2012 at 10:53 am
You know I 100% relate to this, and I love this post. As much as I say I wish I was hard and didn’t care what people thought and could be more selfish like the a-holes that are doing this to us – I don’t. I like that I’m nice and don’t purposefully hurt or take advantage of people. And people who do do that will get theirs. All in due time…
<333
July 31, 2012 at 10:57 am
I am the same way, sweets. I don’t know why sometimes I give a crap about people and their opinions of me, but I do and when it’s not good it can be devastating. :-/ I think some of the people who let things roll off their back are just good at hiding the fracturing going on under the surface. You’re an awesome person and even though it’s easy to say “anyone else who doesn’t agree is lame,” it is true. Keep being you!
July 31, 2012 at 11:48 am
I think it’s better to be sensitive than it is to be an asshole with no feelings. I can say this with confidence, because I’m very much an asshole with no feelings.
When we put my moms dog down, I stood there while my mother sobbed and had no emotion about it at all. I cracked a tiny bit when I called my dad afterwards to tell him to hide the dog bed, but that was it. For me, logic always wins out over feelings, and I don’t think that’s the best quality.
Being sensitive makes you human. It means you care, and I for one, think that’s really admirable.
July 31, 2012 at 2:28 pm
There are some things that roll off my back and other things that cut me deep. I pretend it keeps me balanced. And human. Your concerns are completely valid and we all have them. It’s also one of the things I love about you. Please don’t change.
July 31, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Love the comment about Grandma! Who was tougher than her. Remember we used to call her “The Returminator!” She didn’t give a crap what anybody said. I did admire that about her. But, alas, my dear, you are more like your dear old mom in the “sensitivity” department. I’m still trying to figure out why everyone doesn’t like me… Love you, mom
July 31, 2012 at 5:39 pm
Twin alert, twin alert. I’m the same way – but instead of people not liking me, my big issue is when I go too long without hearing from my friends. I take that as them not liking me anymore (never the case); a result of some mean girls in middle school dropping our friendship at the flip of a coin. I actually laid in bed crying two days ago about all of this…so I relate. And of course the reality of the situation is that they’re all married with babies and have other groups of friends whereas I just have them, so there is a bit of dependence there.
Also, the serenity prayer is, and has always been, my go to. Still say it daily.
You’re amazing, in case you forgto.
July 31, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Awww girl, what a post. I think we often assume that people are pretty tough/confident/thick skinned and more often than not, that’s not the case. I, too, am fairly thin skinned. I take small comments to heart. I care when people pick me apart. And then it eats at me. Some definite low self-esteem issues bubble up for me. Best we can do is be aware, let our friends know, and find happiness in each day, right?
August 1, 2012 at 8:01 am
You know, I think EVERYONE is thin-skinned in a way – some are just better at hiding it than others. And who says it’s necessarily a bad thing? I mean, yes, of course it makes some situations more painful in the moment, but at its heart, it also means you care more – not just about what people think, but about people themselves. It means you’re a compassionate, thoughtful, giving person … and all that triumphs confidence any day of the week!
August 3, 2012 at 8:40 am
you girl – are a gem. never forget it.
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August 5, 2012 at 11:21 am
Oh Hendrix
We wont even talk about it because I will start typing and crying for you……
Great post, I would have never thought that was going on with you. You seem as confident as……someone really confident. Well played and keep your chin up!